I hate this.

A few days ago the United States elected him. I can’t even say his name, I despise him so much. If you voted for him, I’m sorry but hear me out because at one time I voted for him too. But as I dove deeper into who he was, what he represents, what his vision for the United States was, I knew that it was, as they say, not for me. His followers would agree. I am not accepted. I am not invited. I am not part of his America.

When was it when Paula Deen said the N word and got kicked off TV? That was the right thing to do. Today if she did that she might end up on his cabinet. She would be embraced, like a Kyle Rittenhouse, as some sort of hero brave and patriotic enough to say it like it is. Cue the background music - This is Not America.

Or is it? Because as a 6th generation Chinese American whose family came to the US in the mid 1800’s, I thought racism was overblown. I hadn’t experienced it since I was a kid and as an adult thought we had progressed, that people were educated and enlightened enough to see past differences, to actually embrace them.

I was wrong.

I had do deal with racism directly due to his terrible response to Covid. Fearful that a nationwide pandemic would hurt his chances for re-election, instead of doing the right thing and uniting the nation, he did what any playground bully would do - he blamed others.

For months he made anti-Chinese jokes which resulted in anti-Asian racism that is sadly part of our culture today. Some of my non-Asian relatives sided with him, they defended him, and in their attempt to make sure I wasn’t offended told me that not to worry because they think of me as white. That was painful. And awakening. I suppose it was that moment that I became, again as they call it, woke. I literally woke up and realized I was not part of that world, I didn’t want to be part of that world. But here we are today with 51% of the US saying they are OK with racism. They will use the playground taunt that their leader uses so effectively, “I’m not racist, you are.” No my friend, you are racist if you defend a racist. Own it.

I don’t know what to do with this part of my family any longer. I miss them, I guess in a way I still love them, but I don’t know how to get past this hurt and betrayal. And I realize that there is no way to communicate this in a way that will resonate, that will make them change their minds if it hasn’t happened yet. I also am quite aware that they think they did nothing wrong by defending him, by voting for him, by changing the course of America to one that’s no longer united. To them it’s politics as normal, vote Red, Fox News, even if it means turning a blind eye to the ugliness.

My hope is that a big part of the 51% didn’t vote for racism and misogyny or all of the other very poor character traits he possesses but rather were tricked into believing that he would bring down the price of bread and gas. And I hope that when he picks on someone they know because of their race or skin color, or religion or sexual preference, that as a country we all stand up and say it’s wrong. Because it’s not about undocumented immigrants taking your jobs - that’s how he frames it to make it more palatable. It’s about non-white people “poisoning the blood” of our country, a line that both he and Hitler used. Does that offend you? It should.

All of the Paula Deens will have their moment right now but I pray that as the chaos unfolds over the next four years, as people you know and love are victimized, marginalized and tossed aside, that a tiny spark is ignited that will reunite our country to stand up to the bullies and reclaim a future for our children and grandchildren that we can be proud to say we were a part of in shaping. I’m not holding my breath. But I can hope.

Note: This is written from the heart, first draft stream of consciousness writing. I might delete it. But until then I would love your comments.